As youth sports becomes more commercialized, parents have become more stressed. Some kids are left behind, missing out on the benefits of sports due to money or ability. Other kids are having poor experiences due to the adults (coaches, parents, league organizers), causing them to quit sports altogether. Parents are left to navigate the confusing and frustrating world of sports on their own.
Project Play is here to help. Each month, we will answer parents’ youth sports questions on this page and solicit advice from other youth sports experts. Got a question? Send it via email to jon.solomon@aspeninstitute.org, or share the question with us on Twitter at @AspenInstSports.
Nick Buonocore
In this month’s mailbag, the advice comes from Nick Buonocore, founder of The Reformed Sports Parent, whose mission is to restore healthy balance and perspective in youth sports through education and advocacy. Nick played baseball at North Carolina Wesleyan College. He is the father of six and a reformed sports parent and notes, “Living vicariously through your kid’s sports is pretty much the best way to get them to hate playing and resent the hell out of you simultaneously.”
My son has had very bad experiences with sports because he is not talented enough. He played football for almost two years and never got on the field. I complained and nothing happened. The same coach does wrestling and my son doesn't want to just watch. He is giving up because it is too competitive. Practicing so hard to just become cannon fodder for the state wrestlers is no fun. I've spoken to administrators, but they are focused on the kids winning. What should I do?
Michael DeCenso
Great question. As a parent, this is challenging because I know for me, I don’t want to see my children unhappy. I don’t think any parent does. But as a former athlete, I know that this scenario presents an amazing teaching opportunity for my child.
First, I’d ask my child if it’s the sport itself (football/wrestling) or lack of playing time that is bothering him most. Based on his response, I’d try and help navigate the next steps. If it’s the sport itself that he doesn’t enjoy, that’s an easy fix. Try another sport and see if he finds something else more enjoyable. If it’s the playing time only, that’s another easy fix. I would ask my son why “he” believes he’s not playing as much and based on his answer I’d determine next steps.
I’m assuming this is a high-school aged athlete based on question saying you spoke with “administrators.” But if it’s a middle school or younger athlete, many youth football leagues (including Pop Warner) have minimum-play requirements, so if your son isn’t playing, go to your organization’s leadership and let them know. They should take care of it. Youth recreation wrestling is based on entry into tournaments and ANYONE within age/weight can register and compete.
For me, I would try to eliminate excuses through process of elimination. If the simple reason is my son is not talented enough to play or start then there are two choices: 1) Use it as a teaching opportunity and encourage my son to do work on his own to improve and earn playing time; 2) If he’s not willing to work, then football or wrestling might not be for him and I’d search for other sports/activities that he would be more interested in taking an active interest in. As a former youth football coach, I can say that I didn’t want to put kids in a position where they couldn’t protect themselves. Tackle football and wrestling are not for everyone.
From personal experience, I stopped our son playing for a bitter, selfish coach who was verbally abusing him at practice in front of the team because of a personal vendetta against me. My son came home crying. I made a decision to not allow him to play for that coach. It can ruin any kid’s love for the game and quit. What do you do in a situation like this?
Sanny Cazares
That’s a very unfortunate circumstance. I think you did the right thing. If that happened to me, I think I would take my child and find another team/organization. I would also mention the abuse to whoever is in charge. No child should have to deal with that under any circumstances – and any adult who intentionally belittles children has no business coaching.
My grandson loves basketball and wants to play in AAU, college and hopefully into the NBA. Although he has this desire and this drive, he feels like coaches and teams are basically looking for players that are already stars. He has a work ethic and practices at the local gym because we cannot afford training. He has an issue with his parents’ background (drug dealers) that seems to make his school look at him differently and think that he’s a bad person. He was selected for the ninth-grade team at the school but never received a uniform and wasn’t allowed to even sit on the bench with the other players. He was allowed to practice and dress out on game days. I feel like he’s losing his desire because of all the negativity. How do I get him to see that there is greatness inside of him and to not let coaches stop him from dreaming and pursuing his love for basketball?
Patricia Abdulhaqq
As a parent, I would personally use this as an amazing opportunity to teach. High school athletics are competitive, and a coach’s job is to do his/her best to help the TEAM be successful and help create healthy athletes for life. I would encourage my child to continue to do work on his own, watch YouTube training videos and utilize the free tools that are available to kids these days to get better via the internet.
It also sounds like there’s a communication issue here. I would highly recommend my son/daughter to speak with the coach first. Why is he allowed to dress and practice but not allowed on the bench? Too often people don’t understand that playing time is often very controllable – work hard, be a great teammate and you’ll often find yourself playing quite a bit and helping your team. If my child struggles with understanding the coach’s explanation, then I would request a conversation with the coach to understand what’s going on.
From my experience, too often as parents we only take our child’s word for it and are looking at our child through rose-colored glasses. Parents are sometimes unable to see that maybe our child is behaving in a way that’s holding him or her back. Having said that, if a child is having a bad experience, it’s worth speaking to the coach to try to identify a solution. Any good coach should want to have this information about their athlete. Find out from the coach what is happening and then assess the information to act accordingly. In order for any relationship to be successful, the lines of communication must be open.